Sidebar comment:
Well, you already know what I like about it from the first WebFiction review I posted. As to the other part of the question, it's kinda hard to say.

I've never read a non-comic story serialized like this before, so I don't have a lot to judge against; once or twice the action has lagged for a post or two, but it always picks back up quickly... And I don't know that it would necessarily feel that way in published form, y'know? I think part of that is the enforced wait between posts. (Just out of curiosity, how many actual pages have we read so far? I don't even really have a feel for whether this is a novella or a full-length novel. :)

Honestly, other than that minor maybe-criticism, I've just been enjoying the hell out of this story and really want to see it completed! I've been reading it as a draft, and as such I don't see anything to pick at.